Doing business with the world...

In my job I have to call all sorts of different places around the world and you get a little insight into each nation from something as simple as a phone call and get some strange results.

Russia is funny when we need to call to chat about this or that. A few decades of communism with state-guaranteed jobs and no customer relations training means you get something like this...

"Hyello, XYZ Pyetroleum, Moscow orf-eece'.

"Hi, this is Geneva. Can I talk to the Finance manager please?"

"Hyee eez not hyere. Please to be calling byeck lyater., Bye." Click....brrrrrr...... and they just hang up. No "can I take a message" or "he'll be back in an hour", just 'I have done only exactly what was needed and that's it' - bang!

Call the U.K. and you'll invariably end up chatting with people about the weather (given that there's is oft times disappointing) It's easy, quick, efficient and I'm sure I'll be bought several pints if I ever have to go there on business!

If I call our French bank everyone wants to try out their English on me (just don't try and call between 12:00 and 13:30-14:00 - lunchtime is sacrosanct and you'll be talking to no one but voicemail! Not that I'm against it - sure beats the Anglo-saxon business practice of guiltily scoffing a soggy supermarket sandwich at your desk!

The Netherlands and Norway to a lesser extent sometimes speak English so damn well I forgot it is their second language...Stunning. Switched on folks.

And when I get a Scandinavian business woman going 'HI, this is Helga here' in that sexy Nordic accent, I have to try darn hard to stop thinking about the Swedish bikini team and talk about finance instead.

Trying to get things done in Venezuela is an altogether differnet story. Here the word 'Manana' (tomorrow) springs to mind...

"Hello, this is Geneva. Can I talk to the auditor please"?

"Ahh, senor. He ees gone on holiday. But 'e will be back soon".

"Then could I talk to his 2-IC please - it is urgent"

"Ah senor, she ees gone on holiday too" But don't worry, they will be back soon - a couple of weeks at most!"

"Can I talk to someone in their department"?

"Oh ees Friday, everyone gone to lunch and then leave early 'cos 'ees the weekend. Can you wait to Monday"? It pays to have a large time-buffer when these folks are on the job!

Now if ony I could find a Swedish businesswoman who spoke excellent English and wanted to take me to lunch, buy me a pint after before offering to take me away to Buenos Aires for a couple of weeks...